Losing 100 Lbs.

220.0. No time to post.

230.0 today.

To be honest, it’s not due to proper nutrition and exercise, but more due to stress and malnutrition as a result of building and owning my own (storefront) business.

Still, 8 lbs. is 8 lbs. and I’l take it.

236.2
Down 2 lbs!
Go me!!

Ok, so I haven’t really tried, to be honest - but I did survive Thanksgiving without gaining weight. 238.0 lb. No more, no less than before (4 oz less doesn’t count!)

It took me weeks to get over my cold, but I finally feel up to swimming again. I should really try to work that into my day. That and yoga. 

I consider not gaining weight to be success right now.

238.4 lbs. 

I’m not that keen on the world knowing that I weigh this much, but I ::am:: keen on posting next week with a lower number. Wish me luck!!

You know how freeing those words are? How freeing they can be for you?

What it means is you don’t have to hold yourself hostage to who you used to be or anything you ever used to do, because who has lived and hasn’t made mistakes?  —Oprah Winfrey

I was reading through several of my old journals tonight, but one in particular - the one that documented my monumental 140 lb. weight loss. What I read really looks like the journal of an out of control person who happened to get thin. In fact, the thinner I got, the more out of control I got. This seems kind of ironic to me, since I thought I was in control when I was thin. But clearly, if you read my journals, you will see that I was spinning wildly without direction. I am really afraid of being that self-absorbed, hypersexual, and out of control person again.

I found my old workout that a friend made for me when I was losing weight:

30 crunches… feet on the ground, knees at 45º, keep your shoulders from touching the ground.

30 figure eights… make sure not to just swing over the top, but keep the figure 8 motion. Hold a big phone book or something else about 10-15 lbs.

30 bicycle crunches… make sure you move the legs, count one, two, three, one; two, two three, two; etc. Keep in rhythm, make sure you go left elbow to right knee and vice versa.

30 flutter kicks… keep your hands out to your side (NOT under your ass!) count one, two, three, one; just like the bicycle crunches.

30 full situps… have someone hold your feet or put them against the wall. Do not pull yourself up by your neck, it’s bad for your neck.

30 reclining crunches… legs straight off the floor, legs bent 90º at the ankle, keep your shoulders off the ground, again, no neck straining.

30 toe touches… legs straight off the floor (you should look like an L, legs straight up in the air) extend your arms and try to touch your toes (you shouldn’t be able to reach them, if you can, you’re probably not doing it right)

60 seconds of holding your legs 6” off the floor. No higher, no touching the ground in the middle. Keep your hands to your side (NOT under your ass!) Use a timer on your ipod but don’t look at the clock - it make it worse!! Keep your back to the ground as much as possible.

PLANKS!!!!!

I am constantly reminded of my failure. I lost 140 lbs. I enjoyed it and flaunted it and did everything but drag out my fat in a wagon. I practically smashed it in my sister’s face like a pie. And then I gained almost all of it back and here we are.

Recently I gave away all my clothes that don’t fit - everything that I loved and cherished. All those little size 4 dresses that made me so happy to buy and wear are now in my friend, Courtney’s closet. My size 12’s went to my cousin. My size 18 to my mother… they were haunting me in there. Every time I opened my closet I was reminded of my huge failure.

The psyche is a powerful thing. Sometimes too powerful and we are our own worst enemy. I think this is the core of my problem. I sabotage myself. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to be thin. Why? I can tell you. I haven’t told a soul, and if you’re reading and know me personally I beg that you please never bring this up to me in person. 

I haven’t lost this weight because I am afraid to ruin my marriage. How would losing weight ruin your marriage? Allow me to explain, if you haven’t already figured it out…

When I was thin, I was involved with several men other than my husband. Some of them were business, some of them were for my pleasure. I was really attractive when I was thin and that opened doors for me with men that weren’t opened before. I was suddenly faced with attention that I had never really received before and it was really overwhelming. I made some bad decisions I regret and some bad decisions I don’t regret at all. But, ultimately, when I made the mental shift to stay in my marriage, I also made the mental shift to turn off the sexy. 

I moved away from temptation and started fresh with my family, quit smoking cigarettes and used it as an excuse to start eating again and here we are.  Now my biggest fear is honestly - what happens if I am in that position again. Can I handle it? 

It’s not hard to see why I self-sabotaged (and continue to). I made a choice to quit being ‘that girl’… it’s safer to be a fat and sassy midwife Mama than a sexy MILF in so many ways. There is comfort in having a big fat body, but ironically it’s so uncomfortable to be in. 

So I made the soup recipe below. It was pretty yum. I added extra chicken stock and garlic. Other than that I stuck to the recipe.

Next time I will add broccoli and cut the carrots and zucchini finer.

After dinner I added leftover chicken to the soup and tomorrow I’ll boil it up with some noodles and have chicken veggie soup for lunch.

Do you have a favorite soup recipe? Please leave me the link below?

I took the plunge today, literally. I couldn’t decide whether to go lap swimming or to join the deep water fitness class, so I did both.

Lap swimming was good. I am still a pretty strong swimmer. I had trouble getting used to my new suit. I felt like my side boob was falling out the whole time, but I don’t actually think that was the case - I don’t know, I need to make some adjustments to my suit maybe. I swam only about 5 laps. That’s not even a quarter of a mile, but I stopped so that I could join the water fitness class that was about to begin.

Deep water fitness appeals to me because I have some pretty serious injuries from a helicopter crash I was in in 1992 and so I love the idea of floating in the water while exercising. The problem: I really didn’t like the instructor. She was an older, out of shape and overweight woman who kept yelling at us to stop lollygagging. I really found myself turned off by the idea of my exercise leader being an older, overweight woman. She had small calves but a tummy that hung down to her mid-thighs. I’m serious. So she’s shouting things out from a chair she sat in on the deck. I wasn’t really impressed. Also on the downer list for this class: the pool was so crowded with old ladies and women who don’t want to get their hair wet that we were all colliding into each other as we tried to ‘jog’ in the deep water pool.

I’m going to try a different water fitness class - maybe there is something else I might like better, but I think I’m going to stick to swimming laps most of the time. My sweet husband just bought the waterproof mp3 player and headphones that were on my wish list at Amazon for me, so I forsee some lap swimming in my future.

Also on tap to try out: Yoga for the Larger Woman, which is offered in Sellwood. I want to sign up for the 8 week class that begins at the beginning of November.